The 2am smile

September 25, 2013September 25, 2013 Britnee Graham2am, babies, baby boy, motherhood, nursing, sleep, smileLeave a comment

2am always comes so quickly. No matter how early I go to bed, 2am is not as fun as it once was. I awake to the sounds of a hungry baby. Mindlessly, I pull him into my lap so he can eat. I lazily look at my phone. It reads 2am. I struggle to keep my eyes awake. Hurry up and eat, I’m thinking.
After what seems like an eternity, he finally finishes. I quietly pull him to chest, he let’s out a little burp. Carefully, I rise from my bed… And slowly I make my way to the changing table. Any sudden movements, trips over large objects, or running into walls could awake the babe. Which is something I’m trying to avoid at all costs.
I turn on the lights, and lay him down. I aim for a quick change of the diaper. Steadily and effortlessly I make it through. As I squeeze the hand sanitizer into my hands, it pops out of my hands and onto the floor. BOOM!
I quickly glance at the babe on the table. Instantly, arms are flailing and legs are kicking! PLEASE DON’T OPEN YOUR EYES.
My mind instantly flashes to 3am, attempting to rock him back to sleep. Tomorrow morning being a nightmare to wake up to. Dark circles, bed hair, bad breath… Oh no oh no, please don’t wake up!
But the flutter of the eyes begins. It’s happening. He’s waking up and there’s nothing I can do. Do I look at him? Do I look away? Ignore? Ahh!
And then, the baby blues open and find my face. A face terrified of what’s to come. We lock eyes for a 5 second stare down. Then it happens.
The most beautiful, precious and biggest smile appears upon his face. He giggles, as if it say, “oh hey mom! There you are!”
In a second, nothing else matters. Dark circles, bed hair, and bad breath is all worth it. I scoop him up into my arms and kiss his cheek. I turn off the light, and we walk back to bed. I hold him close, hum in his ear, and gently rock him back and forth. He softly tells me all about his dreams. Before I know it he has drifted off back to sleep.
And Braden, that 2am smile was just fine by me.

I love you,
Your mama! Xo

15 weeks old!

Technicolor Poop

September 18, 2013September 18, 2013 Britnee Grahambabies, baby poop, breastfeeding, little boy, momsLeave a comment

My world has been consumed by poop. More specifically, Braden’s poop. It started the moment he was born. We couldn’t leave the hospital until he pooped. And poop he did. I somehow got away with never having to change a poopy diaper for almost 3 days! And let me tell ya, those first few poops are not so great. Can be poop be great you ask? YES IT CAN!
After the meconium poop days were past us, the green-yellow and yellow poops followed. Yellow poop is the healthiest. I’m exclusively breastfeeding so It’s the great poop you always want. When he was a few weeks old his poop suddenly turned green. BRIGHT GREEN. I immediately googled and came across some answers. But I still had that mom guilt so I called the pediatrician. They suggested perhaps he wasn’t getting enough hind milk. You see when breastfeeding, the hind milk contains the fat and comes at the end. So if the baby doesn’t finish off all the milk, he is just getting foremilk. This can turn poop green.
The phone nurse informed me this was probably the case, not to worry and make sure he takes all of the milk. I focused so hard. I was determined to not let anymore green poop happen. I chose to start block feeding hoping that would help. It worked! His poop turned back to the “great yellow”. I was thrilled.
About a month later… Green poop. Again. I couldn’t believe it. I focused back on my block feeding. Nothing changed. I called the pediatrician. They told me not to worry, perhaps it’s something in my diet. I did some research. Dairy. Cows milk can be very sensitive to a babies digestive system since it’s still adapting and developing. So I cut out diary. Did you know dairy is in practically everything?
I was vegan up until I got pregnant, but when you’re used to not looking into ingredients for almost a year… It’s hard to remember to do so. After a week and a half of cutting back on diary… No changes. I decided to call the pediatrician again. It just didn’t sit right that my babies poop was STILL green. Something HAD to be wrong.
The phone nurse decided it was best to bring in Braden immediately. I was so nervous. What if something was seriously wrong with my little nugget!? I began to be so mad at myself for not making them bring him in sooner. I ended up having to go to their main office and see a completely different doctor. That made me even more nervous. But luckily the pediatrician group is so lovely and accommodating.
We were seen by the most incredible doctor. All of them are great actually. He walked in and was so kind to Braden, trying to make his experience at the pediatricians much less scary.
He opened with, ” So, I hear Braden has some technicolor poop”. I immediately liked him even more. I told him what I had been doing to help ( block feeding, no dairy) I was scared he was going to tell me that I couldn’t breastfeed anymore. But he eased my fears when he told me that Braden was gaining weight “normally” ( he’s a bit of an overachiever in that area) and he seemed like a really happy and alert baby. All of those things are a good indicator that everything is okay. Then he went on to explain why his poop is green.
Braden poops a lot. No really, a lot. Almost after every time he eats, and almost instantly. You see, for a baby his age the average baby poops maybe once a day. Their poop has enough time for the gallbladder to metabolize the food… Which for breastfed babies turns it a yellow color. But because Braden poops so often it doesn’t have time to do so. With age his poops will slow down on their own.
Also, he may have an allergy to something I’m eating. But because he doesn’t seem bothered by it, their were no further tests needed. It’s most likely diary… And that can take up to 3 weeks to leave the mamas body! I couldn’t believe it!
So… Just on cue, after 3 weeks of no diary, I am proud to say Braden’s poop is back to that “great yellow”!! I feel such relief!
I never thought I would be the mama to chit chat about Braden’s poop. But trust me, I could talk about it for hours. How did his poop become so intriguing!? I can’t believe I’m THAT mom!
It’s crazy how my babies poop has become such a part of my everyday life. And not just changing diapers… That’s the easy part. Their is so much more responsibly and dedication than I ever thought imaginable. But the reward is so incredibly worth it that I wouldn’t change a thing. Poop and all!

I love you,
Your mama xoxo

14 weeks old!

3 months of milestones

September 13, 2013September 13, 2013 Britnee Graham1 Comment

90 or so days ago Braden was placed into my arms, snuggly and sleepy. Today, I think just his torso fits across my stomach, legs dangling off to the side. If he falls asleep in my arms, my arm most likely will fall asleep too. How did my son grow so fast!? In size 3 diapers already and size 6 months in clothes I forget he’s still a baby. He looks like he’s ready to sit up and crawl.
Actually. the other day I sat him against a pillow on the bed while I put on my clothes. He likes to sit up and see things so it’s the best place for him when I’m changing. As I was finishing, he leaned forward and sat all on his own! It lasted for about 10 seconds before he slowly started to continue falling forward. I can’t believe how strong he is.
He’s enjoying tummy time a lot more, smiling and giggling from time to time. He’s stopped trying to roll over. I think he’s just enjoying the new view.
To my surprise though he has rolled from his back to his stomach a few times. He crunches his legs up to his chest then rolls on over. Only on the left side. Will he be a lefty!?
He found his hands a while back, but my goodness does he REALLY like to suck on them. It’s been a great source of soothing for him. I’ve noticed a few times in the car he’ll sooth himself to sleep with his hands. He can’t remember to do it every time but he’s getting there. The left hand is his favorite but he gives the right one a turn here and there!
I read him his first book, of which he loved. So now we’ve added a bedtime story to our nightly routine. I love the way his eyes light up.
I introduced him to some football. He pretty much loves anything on TV at this point. But I know my dad can’t wait for the day to share his love for football with Braden.
His hair is longer, hands and feet bigger, eyes bluer and smile cuter.
His curiosity about his surroundings is so adorable. I love looking at the world through his eyes. Everything is brand new.
While he still wakes up twice a night to eat, I truly don’t mind.
It’s the explosive poops and pees in the sheets that I could do without. I’m hoping the bigger diaper size will help. My 16 pound baby is a growing boy!
Our mommy and me class is coming to a close, and I’m a little nervous to be on our own with no class to help guide us. But I have faith in my mommy intuition to carry us on.
I love him more and more each day. I never knew I had this much love in my heart. And I’m sure it will only continue to grow.
I love you,
Your mama! Xoxoxoxoxo

he’s growing up…

September 11, 2013 Britnee GrahamLeave a comment

I made sure to buy Braden a bouncer he could sit in to entertain himself. The little monkey seat was a bit overwhelming for him at first. He wouldn’t last too long in it. His newborn eyes couldn’t process the bright colors and large innate objects. Fortunately, my cousin gave me a different bouncer. It was a lot more simple, and I thought…well he won’t really care for this. I decided to keep it downstairs, and the monkey one upstairs. To my surprise Braden was absolutely thrilled with the much less enthusiastic looking seat. Every time I would set him down, he would rejoice with a huge grin and would-be giggles. It warmed my heart to see him so happy. Quickly he realized the more he kicked his legs, the more the crazy animals would jump about. The three little animals became his “friends”. An elephant. A zebra. A crocodile. Fred. George. Bob. Yes, they had names.

But, as babies tend to do… Braden grew. Not only has he almost grown out of the seat altogether, he is no longer entertained by the wee three friends. He has since grown on to something bigger and better (of which I need to figure out what that is). Every morning I still try to see if he’ll recognize his friends with delight. But no. At 13 weeks and the “4th trimester” coming to a close, he is ready to explore the world a little bit more.

Here are some pictures of Fred, George and Bob. And a not so thrilled Braden…

I love you,

your mama xo

Goodnight Moon

September 3, 2013September 3, 2013 Britnee Graham1 Comment

Recently I’ve had a lot of people ask me, “is Braden sleeping through the night yet?”. No. But technically yes. TECHNICALLY “sleeping through the night” is babies sleeping 4-6 hours. So yes, Braden sleeps through the night. But according to my definition of “sleeping through the night” he is not. He wakes up twice… To eat. He doesn’t cry or fuss. Instead He likes to shove his whole fist down his throat as though that fist will feed him. Inevitably, he gags himself. Badly. In between the gagging and the noise of him tossing himself back and forth in search of food… I’m awake! How can I not feed him? So I do, twice a night.
He mostly sleeps through the whole thing, which must be nice for him. Why can’t I sleep too!? Oh wait, I did once… By accident. I woke up (2 hours later…) with Braden still in my arms in the nursing position. Oops? How is this kid sleeping better than I am at night?
I am extremely grateful that he doesn’t keep me up at night, screaming and crying for no reason. *Knock on wood*. But sometimes I have a hard time going back to sleep. I’m jealous as I look at Braden in his deep sleep… I want to be there too! Some nights I eventually fall back to sleep just in time for him to wake up. How lovely.
Sleep when the baby sleeps you say? Oh right! Let me just never do the dirty laundry that Braden has pooped or drooled on, or the dirty dishes that are piling up in the sink. But It’s surprising how much sleep I don’t need, in order to function throughout the day! We moms must have some extra energy embedded in us that comes when the baby comes. Just when I think I can’t wake up, or need a nap… I do get up, or don’t take that nap. Things must get done and I realize I’m not so tired after all.
Braden won’t always be this small, so those days he won’t nap on his own I’ll gladly lay with him while he sleeps. I know he won’t be asking me to do that when he’s older. And it’s nice to stop and smell the roses every once in awhile. He’s already grown so much. I’m just trying to enjoy every moment, so don’t mind the dark circles under my eyes.

I love you,
Your mama

12 weeks old!

my chin tickles when you sleep

August 24, 2013August 24, 2013 Britnee Graham1 Comment

24 inches long. Just enough space to lay on my tummy. How much longer do I have? These simple moments are my everything. When else will I get the chance to look at you so closely and peacefully? Your little legs still curl up as if you are in the womb. Tiny, chubby arms attempt to wrap around me. The sweetest little eyes gently closed as you sleep. I love to look at your long eyelashes, blessed from your dad. How did you get so lucky!?
While you don’t take a pacifier, your bottom lip moves as if you do. Your perfect little nose makes me giggle when a little boogie hangs out from it. And while the tops of your hairs tickles the bottom of my chin… I am grateful for this memory I will have forever. Flinches from your baby dreams and big deep sighs. You’re a tiny little person, that I am proud to call my own. You are my son, forever and always. I will never forget these moments even as you grow. Thank you for loving me and trusting me. I look forward to every day with you.

I love you,
Your mama xo

10 weeks old!

the mom guilt

August 10, 2013August 10, 2013 Britnee GrahamLeave a comment

I’ve heard of it, but I didn’t think it was actually true. Alas, I caught a case of the mom guilt. Everything makes me feel guilty. I go to bed at night thinking about how I need to be better the next day.
If I’m on my phone too much. Guilt. If I leave him to go work out. Guilt. If I don’t play with him enough, hug him enough, love him enough. Guilt Guilt Guilt! Ahhh! I’m leaving him for 2 whole nights in October and I’m already feeling guilty. This is getting out of hand!
It’s so important to have my own identity, but I struggle with the balancing act. I know he’s not going to look back at this time and shake his finger at me for not doing better. And I know he needs to have moments without me, spending quality time with Dad, Grammy, Aunts and etc. I just didn’t think the mommy guilt would get a hold of me.
I daydream of the days I can get back to work, being creative and satisfying my artistic needs. But I know he needs me, and I need him! So then I feel guilty for even thinking for a second of not taking care of him every day.
When does the guilt go away?? Maybe tomorrow or maybe never! I just know that I can’t let this guilt over minuscule things take over. It is going to get me nowhere. I need to learn to accept the best that I am giving him, is truly my best. And to be honest, I’m glad I feel guilty from time to time. I just have so much love for him. And that is something I will NEVER feel guilty for!

I love you!!
Your mama xo

8 weeks old!

2 months of milestones

August 8, 2013August 14, 2013 Britnee Graham1 Comment

Two months sure has flown by! But, at the same time it feels like Braden has been here forever. It’s incredible to watch him grow… And grow he sure does! He officially weighs 14lb 14oz, and in size 2 diapers.
He is such a chunky monkey that people don’t believe he’s only two months old. He’s getting so heavy I’m scared to think about how much more he is going to weigh before be starts walking. I hope he learns to walk early. I don’t know if I can carry this chunker around!
It’s so rewarding to see him interacting with people and objects more. He is still the sweetest in the morning, looking at me with his baby blues. I listen to him coo and he listens to my weird animal noises. It’s fun to watch his eyes get all big when he hears a sound he hasn’t heard before. But that SMILE when he recognizes a sound just lights up his entire face. Nothing better than that.
He’s slowly starting to be interested in his toys. He can follow a rattle from left to right and right to left. Sometimes he’ll even recognize a voice and turn his head in that direction to see who it is. It’s amazing to watch him learn and adapt to this life. Everything is so new!
Unfortunately, new things means being scared sometimes! The past couple weeks he seems to get startled if something comes in his line of view too suddenly. Just now I went to pick him up from his crib, but I think my face came in too fast! I said, “hello Braden”. He jumped a little, paused, stuck out his lower lip and then started to cry. It is so cute, funny, and a little sad! I guess I have to be more gentle for my little scaredy cat.
Braden still loves tummy time and he’s ridiculously close to rolling over! I thought for sure he was over but he stopped halfway thru and then came back. Oh well. We’ll get there soon!
Can’t wait to see what he’s going to learn and do next!

I love you,
Your mama xo

2 months old!

It’s in the look

August 2, 2013August 2, 2013 Britnee GrahamLeave a comment

My little Braden got a diaper rash about a month ago. The doctor didn’t seem concerned. Told me to continue using the cream I had bought and all would be well. Unfortunately, the rash remained. I did some research and read that breastfed babies tend to have diaper rashes more frequently than bottle fed babies because they poop more. It made sense and I continued to use the cream. It wasn’t getting any worse and he didn’t seem to be bothered.
When I was giving Braden a bath a week later I noticed the rash further up the inside of his legs. I didn’t know if it had spread or if I just didn’t notice it before. And then I looked into his baby blue eyes. My heart melted. He was just looking at me with such love and trust. He trusted me to take the best care of him. I was heartbroken. I felt like I had done him wrong by letting this rash go on for so long.
I didn’t even finish giving him a bath. I got him out, dried him off, sat down and hugged him. I immediately started to cry thinking I was the worst mother in the world. How could I have done this!?
After some simple reassuring words of “it’s not your fault he’s always wet” from his dad, I did some more research on creams and diaper rashes.
There is so much knowledge to be learned out there when it comes to baby products. You really do need to read the ingredients and what your putting on babies skin.
In the end I switched creams and the rash is gone. But It’s amazing how one simple look from your baby can mean so much to you. I know I will continue to make mistakes, but I will sure try my hardest to never let him down. He’s my everything.

I love you,
Your mama xoxo

7 weeks old

a month of milestones

July 13, 2013July 13, 2013 Britnee GrahamLeave a comment

Today, my little Braden is exactly a month old. It’s hard to believe that this time last month I was giving birth to this little man. If someone would have asked me if I would do it again, I would have said no. But today, I definitely would do it. As weird as it sounds I miss that day…it was so surreal.
Braden was born ridiculously strong! He came out already able to hold his head up for short amounts of time. It’s been so crazy to watch him get stronger and stronger. When he’s sleeping he’ll lift his head up and switch sides. It’s incredible. We practice tummy time each day! He’s starting to lift his legs up, prepping to roll over. My mother witnessed him rolling over last week… But I’m pretending it didn’t happen because I didn’t see it!
His dad likes to hold Braden’s hands while he struggles to lift himself up on his feet. It’s incredible to watch how strong he is. I love watching him learn how to sit up on his own. He doesn’t last long but it sure is fun watching him try. He’s ready to go places!!
Braden’s dad and I were quickly impressed with his nursing skills. I was prepared for a long and hard journey with breastfeeding. But he surprised us both and the nurse when he immediately latched on! The nurse even said, she had never seen that before! I even had a doctor assume he was my second child because his latching was so great. I think that’s why he’s so chubby! You can’t see his neck and he definitely has a double chin. I feel so grateful and blessed he’s such a great eater.
Braden really enjoys to sleep ( diagonally of all things) but when he’s awake he loves to be entertained! His favorite bouncer has these little animals on them.. I call them his friends! It’s so great to watch him kick his legs in excitement. His kicking allows for the animals to bounce around. I can’t wait for the day when he realizes that he’s causing them to move around.
He also LOVES to talk!! His coos and aahs melt my heart! His grunting makes me laugh. And sometimes he’ll even throw in a smile! Some mornings he’ll look at me and smile. I’m not sure if he knows he’s doing it but I’ll take what I can get!
He lost his cord!! Awhile back his dad asked me if I was going to keep it. I scoffed and said no! But when it fell off I just couldn’t part with it! I still have it until I’m ready to move on. Don’t worry… I’m not keeping it forever!
Once he lost his cord, I was able to give him a bath. I was extremely nervous that he was going to hate it and cry through the whole thing! But he loved it! He’s had a couple since then, and he really does like it. He’s the happiest emerged in the water. I hope that means he’s going to be a water baby!
While these milestones may seem small they mean the world to me! I can’t wait to see what he’s going to do next. I can tell he’s ready to learn and take on the world!
Oh and he makes the best facials!!! I love how animated he is, cracks me up!!
Over 10 lbs and 21.5 inches long.
I love you Braden Christopher!
Your mama xoxo