One of the hard days

I love taking pictures of Braden when he’s sleeping. I probably have hundreds of them. I like to look at them while I’m reflecting on the day. But, today was one of the hard days. We had so many arguments, about the same thing, all day long. I hate it.

Earlier today I had a woman tell me that I was such a good mom. That Braden was so sweet because I’m so sweet to him. But, I didn’t feel like a good mom today. And I definitely didn’t feel like I was sweet. In fact, I feel quite the opposite.

Being a mom is really hard on the soul. As I tucked B into bed, we both apologized for the way we acted and promised each other that we would try harder to not argue. As I wiped the last of his tears away, we hugged tightly, said our “I love you’s”, and agreed that tomorrow would be a new day to start over.

But my heart is still so sad. I hate days like today. I want every day to be fun and silly and full of laughter. I know that’s not reality, but a mom can dream right?

Braden, I love you so much and I hope that as we both continue to grow, we learn to give each other more grace.

You are my everything.

I love you,

Your mama.

One of the hard days

The Goodnight 

Mom takes a breath.

Tiny three year old toes twinkle down the stairs. One right after the other.


Two feet land together at the bottom, equipped with a smile only this boy could endure.

Bacon legs – run, run, run as arms flail behind. Jumping down one step, turning a corner. Everything halts. 

The twinkle toes ever so slightly step on a piece of beige carpet. One hand propped up on the arm of a couch.

Boy says to Grandma: “Where’s, Papa?”

Grandma reaches for the boy as she sits up from the gray couch. 

Smiling she says: “Give me a hug!”

Boy lowers his shoulders. Glances up at Mom. His arms reach for her. 

Mom sighs – raises her eyebrows.

Mom says to boy: “Give her a hug, B…”

Boy responds in a whisper: “Where’s papa?”

Grandma groans: “He’s in the bedroom.”

The twinkle toes take off. They only stop when they’ve reached their destination.


A huge smile breaks out underneath the kind blue eyes only this boy could possess. 

“Papa.” Boy says.

Papa sits up from the warmth and comfort from his bed.

Papa: “Come here my buddy.”

Those tiny three year old toes twinkle their way up, up, up – until they’ve landed safely onto the bed. 

Boy lays on top of Papa, his once perfectly blonde hair nestled under Papa’s chin. Boy inverts his arms so that his hands are safely tucked in between himself and his Papa. Boy closes his eyes momentarily and a slow toothless smile appears. 

He’s happy.

Mom: “Alright, c’mon. It’s getting late.”

Boy swiftly swings his legs over the side of the bed.


Boy quickly turns to Papa.

Boy: “Goodnight, Papa.”

Papa peers out from over his reading glasses that are sat ever so slightly on the edge of his nose.

Papa: “Goodnight, boy. Want to have ‘Papa’s Breakfast’ tomorrow? 

Boy smiles from ear to ear before his twinkle toes run off. 

An audible “Ahhhhhh” slowly fades away…

Mom chases after Boy.

Up, up, up the stairs they climb. 

Three year old feet heavily and quickly hit the hardwood ground. 

They stop. 

The boy crouches down in front of a thrown together hand painted grey bookshelf. 

Boy: “How many books can I read tonight?”

Mom slowly closes the sliding mirror closet door. Careful not to roll over miscellaneous toys that have snuck out of their cubby. 

Mom: “2.”

The Boy sighs.

Boy: “Alright.”

Boy brings his two chosen books into his red race car bed. 

Mom crawls up the bed methodically. 

Mom makes a spot for her and Boy on the bed.

Boy climbs into Mom’s lap.

Mom: “Which one do you want to read first?”

Boy points to his selection.

Mom reads with joyous expression on her face. Making emphasis on each character and their traits.

Boy laughs with every turn of the page.

He loves Mom.

They finally make their way back from the fantasy world the books brought them to.

Mom kisses Boy on his left cheek.

She loves his baby cheeks. 

She quickly jumps out of bed to turn the lights off. 

And hurriedly climbs back to join Boy under the covers. 

They lay down together.

Mom: “You have 3 minutes.”

Boy looks up at Mom with his sweet and kind eyes.

Boy: “For 3 minutes, I want to snuggle with you.”

Mom lifts her right arm up over his head. He nestles his little head into the nook of her. 

Boy: “Can we sing a song?”

Mom: “What song do you want to sing?”

Boy: “The one you sang to me when I was a baby.”

Mom snuggles up closer to Boy.

Mom: “Okay…. ”

She sings.

Mom: “Goodnight to you, goodnight to you, goodnight to you, I’ll see you real soon.”

Mom repeats. She kisses Boy on the tip of his nose. 

Boy seemingly drifts off to sleep. 

Mom quietly makes her way out of the red race car bed. She spreads the blankets all the way up to his chin. Just the way Boy likes it. She kisses him on his right cheek.

She tip toes over to the door. Opens it.

Boy: “Can you not do all of those things I say every day?”

Mom steps to the outside of his room. Holding the door handle with her left hand.

Mom: “You got it.”

Boy: “Goodnight, I love you.”

Mom: “Goodnight, I love you.”

Mom gently shuts the door behind her.

She made it another day.

Mom exhales.

Writers note:

In the time I started some writing this post a few things have changed. The most important being the title and the line that is written below.  

Original Title: Don’t Let the Monitor Move

Boy: “Mom, don’t let the monitor move. And I don’t want to hear any clicks or crickets. Can you turn your phone off? Can you turn my fan to number 1? Oh and shut my window. ”

Braden used to be very specific on what he said every night before shutting the door. I knew I should write it down before he stopped and before I forgot. Of course he did stop in the months of writing this piece.

It’s bittersweet. Time is such a thief.

I love you, Braden

– Your mama xo 

The Goodnight 

“I’ll love you forever…”

It’s been 4 days since you’ve been home. The nights have been quieter. I fill the void with various friends, movies, work and television shows. Time apart from you does not get easier. I think I just manage it better as the years go on. 

I’m happy for the relationships you’ve built with all of your family, but I always just want you home. I don’t like having to share you, but I know it’s what’s right. 

On the nights you return, we always get home so late. Some nights you’re fast asleep before we’ve even exited the freeway. I tuck you into your race car bed, kiss you goodnight and shut the door behind me. But, on extra cold nights, I scoop you from your bed and bring you into mine. 

I always lay you on my chest, as if you were a baby. I love you curled under my chin, our breath in synch. I shut my eyes and rub your back. I missed you so much. I wish the weight of your little body wasn’t crushing mine. Otherwise I’d let you sleep here all night. 

Before I gently roll you over to your own pillow, I always say these words to myself:

“But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I’ll love you forever,

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living

my baby you’ll be.”

Braden, time is such a thief but I will ALWAYS love you. And there is always a spot in my bed for you. I’ll make sure to keep it warm. 

Welcome home 🙂 g

I love you,

Your mama xo

“I’ll love you forever…”

Perfect Story 

My little B,

I must have done something right for God to have placed you in my life. It goes without saying that I love you more than life itself. I’d give you anything and everything to see you happy. My heart already breaks with the thought of yours breaking. 

I’d like to say that I’ve worked damned hard in keeping your heart in tact, but sometimes life happens. Sometimes the story you want to tell, isn’t the story that gets told. Sometimes the life you want, isn’t the life you get. And sometimes your heart breaks when you least expect it.

Life is going to change for you my little man. I’d be lying if I said this isn’t going to be hard. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried or heartbroken for you. 

I hate that you’ve already had to grow up faster than most 3 year olds. I hate the hand that you’ve been dealt. But please know, that no matter how much your world changes, I will always be here to support you and guide you. I am your forever shoulder to lean on. And I promise, I will do my hardest to lead by example. I can only hope that you look back on your life and are proud of me.

This is not the perfect story I wanted for your life. But what good is a perfect story anyway? Let’s continue to color outside the lines – it’s more fun that way anyway 😘

Perfect Story 


I love the night before Braden comes home. I clean every nook and cranny (most of the time), and put his room back together as if it’s brand new again. Their is something so therapeutic about making sure everything is in its place. Tonight, as I was putting fresh and clean sheets on his bed, I found “Fluffy” hidden away inbetween the wall and his bed. I couldn’t help but laugh a little to myself because “Fluffy” is actually the infamous Snoopy.  

A few months ago we (Braden’s dad and I) took Braden to Knotts Spooky Farm. It was semi-miserable as it was most likely the hottest day of the year. We really tried to stay positive and make the most of it, but man… It was HOT!

To make up for the heat-infused day, I was determined to find Braden the perfect souvenir. I really wanted to get him the traditional looking stuffed Snoopy, but nothing looked right. They all looked too fluffy. I even said so to Chris, “The only ones they have are fluffy.” 
I ended up deciding on a mini Snoopy with a backpack… Because the backpack was adorable and the least fluffy-like. Off Braden went that night down to San Diego with dad and Snoopy in tow. 

I think Snoopy stayed down in San Diego for an extended period of time, because when he made his way back up North, I completely forgot about him! I took him out of Braden’s backpack and placed him on Bradens bed. 

Later that night Braden held Snoopy up to me and said,”Fluffy!” I said “no, his name is Snoopy.” He enthusiastically replied, “no mommy, this is Fluffy!” I let it go because sure, if you want to call him Fluffy, go ahead! 
The next time I saw Chris I mentioned to him how strange it was that Braden keeps calling Snoopy, Fluffy. Chris paused, looked at me with an almost deadpan face and said, “that’s your fault.” I was so confused.. What?! My fault?! How?! Chris continued, ” you said… ‘They were all Fluffy’, when you were deciding on which Snoopy to buy. He’s been calling him Fluffy ever since we left Knotts.”

I closed my eyes so tight and fell even more in love with my son. He was right. I did say that. You don’t even have to be directly talking to him and he picks up on everything you’re saying. It’s scary but amazing all at the same time. 

I know kids are always learning and growing and surprising you every day. But, I never anticipated my own son to be so smart and in tune with his surroundings. I hope we never lose this Fluffy. Fluffy holds the secret of who my son is, at this exact moment in his life. 

I love every ounce of you my sweet baby. 

Your mama xoxo




How are you mine? 

Every week I keep telling myself to write. To write it all down, before I forget. But somehow time creeps on me and then it’s run out. For now, I just have a few words I’d like to say.

My son is better than me. He really is. He’s the type of guy to notice when someone needs a hug. The first one to help out with his baby cousin, Graham. The person you could find in a room and he’d offer you a smile. He is forever loving (always wanting ago snuggle), happy (always ready for a tickle party) and he genuinely has the biggest heart out of anyone I know. 

I wish I could be more like him. I know that I’m not blessed enough to possess these qualities. But, I am aware that I want more for him. It’s hard work creating someone better than you, but it is so important to me. 

Every night when I tuck Braden into bed, we whisper to each other that we love each other and we’ll see each other when the sun wakes up. Lately, he’s been wanting to come into my bed in the middle of the night. I’ve been blaming it on the fact that it’s been so cold. But I think he just wants the snuggles… ☺️ To help him stay in his bed all night, I tell him when he hears Papa he can come in my room. But like clock-work at 4:30am I wake up to Braden saying.. “Papas awake now. Papas awake now.” 

I quickly run into his room, scoop him up and away we go back into my warm bed. We snuggle for 30 seconds before he knows that he has to sleep on his own pillow. 

I don’t know what it is lately, but he just want to sleep on top of me or in the crook of my arm. It could be the cold, or it could not be? I don’t really know. But, I do know that I want to make more of an effort to just let it be. I can see these snuggles slowly fading away, and I know that I will miss it so dearly. 

He’s so loving and I hope it stays forever. But what I hope for more, is that I learn to be more loving like him. 

Who knew you could strive to be more like your own kid?! 



How are you mine? 

The sweetest moment

Every night before I go to bed I creep in to Braden’s room. I love to tuck him back underneath his blanket, rub his hair, kiss his forehead and then I whisper, “I love you” into his ear. Tonight – for the first time, he said, “I love you” back to me. He says it throughout the day if I ask him to say it. But this was the first time he did it just in response to me. Who knows if he was sleep talking or really meant it. Doesn’t matter – my heart just melted. And I want to remember this moment forever. Good night my sweet little man. You will forever hold my heart in your hands. I love you so very much.

I love you,
Your mama xo

The sweetest moment