As I write this a dear friend of mine is on her way to the hospital to meet her new baby girl. I can’t help but feel nostalgia (again) for the birthing of my little man Braden. I feel jealous that she gets to experience this miracle. I don’t often think about the day Braden was born. But when I do, it is with such a heavy heart.
Braden is my miracle baby. Miracle in such a way, I’m not sure how he even made it to this world in one (healthy) piece. I often think about his sister that didn’t make it. Does he feel an emptiness that something (somebody) is missing? Most likely not, but I can’t help but feel this guilt that she’s not here for him. When I see him playing by himself I get this nagging feeling that she should be here to play alongside him. Truth be told, she didn’t make it long enough to know for sure she was in fact a she. But in my heart I feel he had a sister.
Questions often pop up in my mind; what would she look like, would they act the same, be best friends? Just a list of unanswered questions. It doesn’t plague me every day as it once did, but…
I think this is why I protect Braden with every ounce I have inside of me. I feel incredibly blessed that he made it. I was so nervous throughout the rest of my pregnancy that I wouldn’t get to meet him… But I did.
And I’ve spent the last 13 1/2 months with Braden. Not just with him… But WITH him. I’ve never spent more than 8 hours away from him. And as excited as I am for this next chapter in his life, I am really anxious.
It’s beyond time for him to embrace the other half of his life with his dad. And I’m so grateful that his dad has been understanding to fulfill goals of mine, such as nursing Braden for a full year, and patient enough to let me feel ready for this new chapter in Braden’s life.
It’s bittersweet to let go of Braden’s hand and watch someone else take the lead. I’ve been the soul protector since he was growing inside of my belly. And I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be hard…
But it’s time to let Braden grow up just a little bit more, and experience every aspect of his life that he can.
So many great “dad” adventures await him.
So many things to learn that only a dad can teach.
So many man-to-man chats to be had.
So many sleepless nights of laughter, junk food to devour, and dirty hands to never be washed.
Oh Braden I love you so, and will miss you on the nights you’re away.
I hope you will miss me in just the right amount. And I hope you’ll be ready for Eskimo kisses and mommy cuddles when you come back to me. I’ll be waiting for you my button.
Love you so manys!