It’s been 4 days since you’ve been home. The nights have been quieter. I fill the void with various friends, movies, work and television shows. Time apart from you does not get easier. I think I just manage it better as the years go on. 

I’m happy for the relationships you’ve built with all of your family, but I always just want you home. I don’t like having to share you, but I know it’s what’s right. 

On the nights you return, we always get home so late. Some nights you’re fast asleep before we’ve even exited the freeway. I tuck you into your race car bed, kiss you goodnight and shut the door behind me. But, on extra cold nights, I scoop you from your bed and bring you into mine. 

I always lay you on my chest, as if you were a baby. I love you curled under my chin, our breath in synch. I shut my eyes and rub your back. I missed you so much. I wish the weight of your little body wasn’t crushing mine. Otherwise I’d let you sleep here all night. 

Before I gently roll you over to your own pillow, I always say these words to myself:

“But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I’ll love you forever,

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living

my baby you’ll be.”

Braden, time is such a thief but I will ALWAYS love you. And there is always a spot in my bed for you. I’ll make sure to keep it warm. 

Welcome home 🙂 g

I love you,

Your mama xo

My little B,

I must have done something right for God to have placed you in my life. It goes without saying that I love you more than life itself. I’d give you anything and everything to see you happy. My heart already breaks with the thought of yours breaking. 

I’d like to say that I’ve worked damned hard in keeping your heart in tact, but sometimes life happens. Sometimes the story you want to tell, isn’t the story that gets told. Sometimes the life you want, isn’t the life you get. And sometimes your heart breaks when you least expect it.

Life is going to change for you my little man. I’d be lying if I said this isn’t going to be hard. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried or heartbroken for you. 

I hate that you’ve already had to grow up faster than most 3 year olds. I hate the hand that you’ve been dealt. But please know, that no matter how much your world changes, I will always be here to support you and guide you. I am your forever shoulder to lean on. And I promise, I will do my hardest to lead by example. I can only hope that you look back on your life and are proud of me.

This is not the perfect story I wanted for your life. But what good is a perfect story anyway? Let’s continue to color outside the lines – it’s more fun that way anyway 😘