Fluffy

I love the night before Braden comes home. I clean every nook and cranny (most of the time), and put his room back together as if it’s brand new again. Their is something so therapeutic about making sure everything is in its place. Tonight, as I was putting fresh and clean sheets on his bed, I found “Fluffy” hidden away inbetween the wall and his bed. I couldn’t help but laugh a little to myself because “Fluffy” is actually the infamous Snoopy.  

A few months ago we (Braden’s dad and I) took Braden to Knotts Spooky Farm. It was semi-miserable as it was most likely the hottest day of the year. We really tried to stay positive and make the most of it, but man… It was HOT!

To make up for the heat-infused day, I was determined to find Braden the perfect souvenir. I really wanted to get him the traditional looking stuffed Snoopy, but nothing looked right. They all looked too fluffy. I even said so to Chris, “The only ones they have are fluffy.” 
I ended up deciding on a mini Snoopy with a backpack… Because the backpack was adorable and the least fluffy-like. Off Braden went that night down to San Diego with dad and Snoopy in tow. 

I think Snoopy stayed down in San Diego for an extended period of time, because when he made his way back up North, I completely forgot about him! I took him out of Braden’s backpack and placed him on Bradens bed. 

Later that night Braden held Snoopy up to me and said,”Fluffy!” I said “no, his name is Snoopy.” He enthusiastically replied, “no mommy, this is Fluffy!” I let it go because sure, if you want to call him Fluffy, go ahead! 
The next time I saw Chris I mentioned to him how strange it was that Braden keeps calling Snoopy, Fluffy. Chris paused, looked at me with an almost deadpan face and said, “that’s your fault.” I was so confused.. What?! My fault?! How?! Chris continued, ” you said… ‘They were all Fluffy’, when you were deciding on which Snoopy to buy. He’s been calling him Fluffy ever since we left Knotts.”

I closed my eyes so tight and fell even more in love with my son. He was right. I did say that. You don’t even have to be directly talking to him and he picks up on everything you’re saying. It’s scary but amazing all at the same time. 

I know kids are always learning and growing and surprising you every day. But, I never anticipated my own son to be so smart and in tune with his surroundings. I hope we never lose this Fluffy. Fluffy holds the secret of who my son is, at this exact moment in his life. 

I love every ounce of you my sweet baby. 

Your mama xoxo

  

   
  
   

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Fluffy

Growing up is hard to do…

As I write this a dear friend of mine is on her way to the hospital to meet her new baby girl. I can’t help but feel nostalgia (again) for the birthing of my little man Braden. I feel jealous that she gets to experience this miracle. I don’t often think about the day Braden was born. But when I do, it is with such a heavy heart.
Braden is my miracle baby. Miracle in such a way, I’m not sure how he even made it to this world in one (healthy) piece. I often think about his sister that didn’t make it. Does he feel an emptiness that something (somebody) is missing? Most likely not, but I can’t help but feel this guilt that she’s not here for him. When I see him playing by himself I get this nagging feeling that she should be here to play alongside him. Truth be told, she didn’t make it long enough to know for sure she was in fact a she. But in my heart I feel he had a sister.
Questions often pop up in my mind; what would she look like, would they act the same, be best friends? Just a list of unanswered questions. It doesn’t plague me every day as it once did, but…
I think this is why I protect Braden with every ounce I have inside of me. I feel incredibly blessed that he made it. I was so nervous throughout the rest of my pregnancy that I wouldn’t get to meet him… But I did.
And I’ve spent the last 13 1/2 months with Braden. Not just with him… But WITH him. I’ve never spent more than 8 hours away from him. And as excited as I am for this next chapter in his life, I am really anxious.
It’s beyond time for him to embrace the other half of his life with his dad. And I’m so grateful that his dad has been understanding to fulfill goals of mine, such as nursing Braden for a full year, and patient enough to let me feel ready for this new chapter in Braden’s life.
It’s bittersweet to let go of Braden’s hand and watch someone else take the lead. I’ve been the soul protector since he was growing inside of my belly. And I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be hard…
But it’s time to let Braden grow up just a little bit more, and experience every aspect of his life that he can.
So many great “dad” adventures await him.
So many things to learn that only a dad can teach.
So many man-to-man chats to be had.
So many sleepless nights of laughter, junk food to devour, and dirty hands to never be washed.
Oh Braden I love you so, and will miss you on the nights you’re away.
I hope you will miss me in just the right amount. And I hope you’ll be ready for Eskimo kisses and mommy cuddles when you come back to me. I’ll be waiting for you my button.

Love you so manys!
Xoxo
Your mama

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Growing up is hard to do…