Where Do Dreams Go?

Along the way the path changes, stops are made, and sometimes the back roads are taken.

But what happens to the ‘wants’ when the ‘needs’ take over?

Where do they go?

It’s the pulling up to the house when memories of endless freedom come flooding in.

It’s the intensity of the beat that overwhelms the moment.

It’s the stroke of a letter on a piece of paper that reminds you of the dreams.

But what happens to them when you’ve woken up?

Where do they go?

It’s the long drives to nowhere that have to end.

It’s the responsibilities of the now that take over.

It’s the you that you don’t recognize in the mirror.

So tell me…

Can you still reach for them as you pull up to the house?

Can you listen for them while the beat carries on?

Can you write the life you want to live?

They can’t possibly be lost forever. It just can’t be. It can’t.

Let’s bring them along for the ride.

Let’s include them in the next chapter.

Let’s write it all down.

Because otherwise…

Where do dreams go?

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Where Do Dreams Go?

Dear Braden

I stand here in your half-lit room trying to put the pieces back together so that it resembles somewhat of a livable space. It’s inevitable that I find little pieces of the you that you were, when you were first here. A much too deflated balloon hidden behind a dresser that we received the day you were born. A stuffed monkey I “had” to have when you were still tucked away in my belly. It always brings me back to a place of happiness and a little smile makes it way onto my lips as images of your life flash in my mind. Gosh, where has the time already gone?

Braden, you have already taught me so much in the mere (almost) three years that you have been here. I could not have dreamt up a better son for me to have. Honestly… You complete me just as much (if not more) than I complete you. You have shown me the meaning of life, pushed me to be better than I was the day before, and loved me unconditionally.

You are gentle and kind and love with all of your heart. I sometimes worry (a little too much) that wearing your heart on your sleeve is going to break that sweet heart of yours one day. But please know, that I will be here to help you put the pieces back together. Your love for people is astounding. You adapt to places quicker than I can even believe. You’re coordinated, musically inclined, smart, sensitive, in tune with people, imaginative and of course handsome.

You don’t throw tantrums, but you do push the limits and question things you don’t understand. You’re stubborn at times and determined to do things your way. But, after a conversation (or 2) you’re willing to see and understand the other side. I love that about you the most, I think. Your ability to want to listen, to want to understand – “tell me” as you would say. You’re inquisitive. And even though it tests my limits and patience, I think that quality is going to take you far.

Two meant; big boy beds, first vacations, potty training, sock modeling, Easter egg hunts, camel rides, play time with Baby Graham, beach days, lots more sweets, love and lots of laughter.

I’m looking forward to three – big boy undies and preschool to name a few! But, I’m more looking forward to watching you grow. I don’t know how two hearts created such an incredibly big heart in you, my little man. But I do know that I am honored to know you. You just get what life is about and that is pretty damn cool.

Here’s to you, Braden.

I love you,

Your mommy xo

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Photos by: Reams Photo

Dear Braden

Almost 2

This exact date two years ago I was one day past my due date. Every year when the 6th approaches I get just as excited as the first time. I wanted my little man to get here so badly. I remember arranging and rearranging his little nook set up in the spare room upstairs. I remember trying so hard to be patient, but he wanted to be fashionably late – one week to be exact! 

I cannot even begin to believe that I will be a mom to a two-year-old boy. My son. I still don’t feel like I deserve him. I’m waiting for  someone to wake me up and tell me that this was all some beautiful dream. 

I never imagined that I would love being a mom as much as I do. I had no idea that this was the way life was meant to be, because this truly is the meaning of life. It’s so scary to think that I almost missed it. I would have never known what true love feels like. I would have never known the meaning of love at first sight. 

There are so many beautiful parts to having a child, but I think the most beautiful part to me is that I get to live life all over again. I get the chance to experience all these amazing firsts that I don’t remember for myself. And to experience life through the eyes of a child is a gift I’m truly blessed to receive. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. It’s definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s also the most rewarding. And that makes it all worth it. 

I love you more than my heart can even hold! 

Your mommy xo 

  
Waiting for my little man ☺️

2 days old 😍 

Almost 2

Draw with me Mommy

Braden loves to draw. And not just sporadically – daily. I know that if we are going out to eat I should bring paper and markers. The color wonder paper and markers have been a dream to me. If you don’t know what they are, then I highly suggest you look it up. The only problem I have with them, is that sometimes my son will take a bite right off the tip and then exclaim, “uh-oh”…as if he doesn’t know how that happened! But anyway…back to drawing.

My son doesn’t care to watch TV for more than 10 minutes at a time. Which sounds really great on paper, but when you’re in a bind and need to get dressed – 10 minutes isn’t going to cut it! He likes to hop around and do different activities. And he really is quite great at playing by himself. But lately, he’s been asking me to draw with him. It’s nothing new, but the frequency and insistence on doing so has grown. I’m more than likely always about to do something that keeps me from being able to draw with him. He never seemed to really mind when I told him I had other things to do first. But today, today was the day I saw a little sadness wash over his face when I told him I had to dry my hair.

His little arms went so quickly to his side, he turned around, faced the table and hung his head towards his toes. My heart felt sad. He felt defeated. I could tell. He, with the sweetest face and innocent eyes looking up at me to draw. And I said no, for the hundredth time.

I’ve never dried my hair so quickly in my life. At some point during the hair drying process he ran into my room and shut the door. Frustrated with me I’m sure. He never said a word, but he didn’t have to. I just turned on the baby monitor and watched him as he had his moment to himself. After I was finished, I put the hair dryer away. Just as I was getting ready to walk in my room to get him, he came barreling out of the room in rush. He had the biggest grin on his face as he reached up to touch my hair and said, “dry!”. I’m smiling now just thinking about it. How much he knows and is aware of is still a shock to me. His little brain is this huge sponge that just takes everything in. I love it. I love him.

And so after I told him yes, my hair was dry and we can draw now. We did. I sat on the chair that is about as big as my hand, and drew and drew and drew. It was then followed by a tickle fight and lots of kisses. I wish every day could be this sweet and simple. I hope that I always remember to take the time to draw, because what could possibly be more sweet and simple than that?

I love you my buddy!

(21 months old)

xoxo

Your mama

Draw with me Mommy

The 2am smile

2am always comes so quickly. No matter how early I go to bed, 2am is not as fun as it once was. I awake to the sounds of a hungry baby. Mindlessly, I pull him into my lap so he can eat. I lazily look at my phone. It reads 2am. I struggle to keep my eyes awake. Hurry up and eat, I’m thinking.
After what seems like an eternity, he finally finishes. I quietly pull him to chest, he let’s out a little burp. Carefully, I rise from my bed… And slowly I make my way to the changing table. Any sudden movements, trips over large objects, or running into walls could awake the babe. Which is something I’m trying to avoid at all costs.
I turn on the lights, and lay him down. I aim for a quick change of the diaper. Steadily and effortlessly I make it through. As I squeeze the hand sanitizer into my hands, it pops out of my hands and onto the floor. BOOM!
I quickly glance at the babe on the table. Instantly, arms are flailing and legs are kicking! PLEASE DON’T OPEN YOUR EYES.
My mind instantly flashes to 3am, attempting to rock him back to sleep. Tomorrow morning being a nightmare to wake up to. Dark circles, bed hair, bad breath… Oh no oh no, please don’t wake up!
But the flutter of the eyes begins. It’s happening. He’s waking up and there’s nothing I can do. Do I look at him? Do I look away? Ignore? Ahh!
And then, the baby blues open and find my face. A face terrified of what’s to come. We lock eyes for a 5 second stare down. Then it happens.
The most beautiful, precious and biggest smile appears upon his face. He giggles, as if it say, “oh hey mom! There you are!”
In a second, nothing else matters. Dark circles, bed hair, and bad breath is all worth it. I scoop him up into my arms and kiss his cheek. I turn off the light, and we walk back to bed. I hold him close, hum in his ear, and gently rock him back and forth. He softly tells me all about his dreams. Before I know it he has drifted off back to sleep.
And Braden, that 2am smile was just fine by me.

I love you,
Your mama! Xo

15 weeks old!

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The 2am smile

these little things and things

The crib has arrived. A new outfit. Dresser…any day now. All these little things and things for this little guy. It’s starting to become more and more real. But still so much to do. As much as this planning and thinking stresses me out…I just lay in bed, feel him, and I feel a little bit better. He won’t care what anything looks like, if it matches, where we got it, if it’s old or new. He’ll just be snuggled up in my arms. Content and happy. This little human boy will be here in about 12 weeks! I can’t wait until his little tiny fingers grasp onto my mine. Our little monkey.

12 more weeks to go!

I love you,

your mama xo

these little things and things