I made sure to buy Braden a bouncer he could sit in to entertain himself. The little monkey seat was a bit overwhelming for him at first. He wouldn’t last too long in it. His newborn eyes couldn’t process the bright colors and large innate objects. Fortunately, my cousin gave me a different bouncer. It was a lot more simple, and I thought…well he won’t really care for this. I decided to keep it downstairs, and the monkey one upstairs. To my surprise Braden was absolutely thrilled with the much less enthusiastic looking seat. Every time I would set him down, he would rejoice with a huge grin and would-be giggles. It warmed my heart to see him so happy. Quickly he realized the more he kicked his legs, the more the crazy animals would jump about. The three little animals became his “friends”. An elephant. A zebra. A crocodile. Fred. George. Bob. Yes, they had names. 

But, as babies tend to do… Braden grew. Not only has he almost grown out of the seat altogether, he is no longer entertained by the wee three friends. He has since grown on to something bigger and better (of which I need to figure out what that is). Every morning I still try to see if he’ll recognize his friends with delight. But no. At 13 weeks and the “4th trimester” coming to a close, he is ready to explore the world a little bit more. 

Here are some pictures of Fred, George and Bob. And a not so thrilled Braden…

I love you,

your mama xo

I’ve heard of it, but I didn’t think it was actually true. Alas, I caught a case of the mom guilt. Everything makes me feel guilty. I go to bed at night thinking about how I need to be better the next day.
If I’m on my phone too much. Guilt. If I leave him to go work out. Guilt. If I don’t play with him enough, hug him enough, love him enough. Guilt Guilt Guilt! Ahhh! I’m leaving him for 2 whole nights in October and I’m already feeling guilty. This is getting out of hand!
It’s so important to have my own identity, but I struggle with the balancing act. I know he’s not going to look back at this time and shake his finger at me for not doing better. And I know he needs to have moments without me, spending quality time with Dad, Grammy, Aunts and etc. I just didn’t think the mommy guilt would get a hold of me.
I daydream of the days I can get back to work, being creative and satisfying my artistic needs. But I know he needs me, and I need him! So then I feel guilty for even thinking for a second of not taking care of him every day.
When does the guilt go away?? Maybe tomorrow or maybe never! I just know that I can’t let this guilt over minuscule things take over. It is going to get me nowhere. I need to learn to accept the best that I am giving him, is truly my best. And to be honest, I’m glad I feel guilty from time to time. I just have so much love for him. And that is something I will NEVER feel guilty for!

I love you!!
Your mama xo

8 weeks old!

Two months sure has flown by! But, at the same time it feels like Braden has been here forever. It’s incredible to watch him grow… And grow he sure does! He officially weighs 14lb 14oz, and in size 2 diapers.
He is such a chunky monkey that people don’t believe he’s only two months old. He’s getting so heavy I’m scared to think about how much more he is going to weigh before be starts walking. I hope he learns to walk early. I don’t know if I can carry this chunker around!
It’s so rewarding to see him interacting with people and objects more. He is still the sweetest in the morning, looking at me with his baby blues. I listen to him coo and he listens to my weird animal noises. It’s fun to watch his eyes get all big when he hears a sound he hasn’t heard before. But that SMILE when he recognizes a sound just lights up his entire face. Nothing better than that.
He’s slowly starting to be interested in his toys. He can follow a rattle from left to right and right to left. Sometimes he’ll even recognize a voice and turn his head in that direction to see who it is. It’s amazing to watch him learn and adapt to this life. Everything is so new!
Unfortunately, new things means being scared sometimes! The past couple weeks he seems to get startled if something comes in his line of view too suddenly. Just now I went to pick him up from his crib, but I think my face came in too fast! I said, “hello Braden”. He jumped a little, paused, stuck out his lower lip and then started to cry. It is so cute, funny, and a little sad! I guess I have to be more gentle for my little scaredy cat.
Braden still loves tummy time and he’s ridiculously close to rolling over! I thought for sure he was over but he stopped halfway thru and then came back. Oh well. We’ll get there soon!
Can’t wait to see what he’s going to learn and do next!

I love you,
Your mama xo

2 months old!

My little Braden got a diaper rash about a month ago. The doctor didn’t seem concerned. Told me to continue using the cream I had bought and all would be well. Unfortunately, the rash remained. I did some research and read that breastfed babies tend to have diaper rashes more frequently than bottle fed babies because they poop more. It made sense and I continued to use the cream. It wasn’t getting any worse and he didn’t seem to be bothered.
When I was giving Braden a bath a week later I noticed the rash further up the inside of his legs. I didn’t know if it had spread or if I just didn’t notice it before. And then I looked into his baby blue eyes. My heart melted. He was just looking at me with such love and trust. He trusted me to take the best care of him. I was heartbroken. I felt like I had done him wrong by letting this rash go on for so long.
I didn’t even finish giving him a bath. I got him out, dried him off, sat down and hugged him. I immediately started to cry thinking I was the worst mother in the world. How could I have done this!?
After some simple reassuring words of “it’s not your fault he’s always wet” from his dad, I did some more research on creams and diaper rashes.
There is so much knowledge to be learned out there when it comes to baby products. You really do need to read the ingredients and what your putting on babies skin.
In the end I switched creams and the rash is gone. But It’s amazing how one simple look from your baby can mean so much to you. I know I will continue to make mistakes, but I will sure try my hardest to never let him down. He’s my everything.

I love you,
Your mama xoxo

7 weeks old

Today, my little Braden is exactly a month old. It’s hard to believe that this time last month I was giving birth to this little man. If someone would have asked me if I would do it again, I would have said no. But today, I definitely would do it. As weird as it sounds I miss that day…it was so surreal.
Braden was born ridiculously strong! He came out already able to hold his head up for short amounts of time. It’s been so crazy to watch him get stronger and stronger. When he’s sleeping he’ll lift his head up and switch sides. It’s incredible. We practice tummy time each day! He’s starting to lift his legs up, prepping to roll over. My mother witnessed him rolling over last week… But I’m pretending it didn’t happen because I didn’t see it!
His dad likes to hold Braden’s hands while he struggles to lift himself up on his feet. It’s incredible to watch how strong he is. I love watching him learn how to sit up on his own. He doesn’t last long but it sure is fun watching him try. He’s ready to go places!!
Braden’s dad and I were quickly impressed with his nursing skills. I was prepared for a long and hard journey with breastfeeding. But he surprised us both and the nurse when he immediately latched on! The nurse even said, she had never seen that before! I even had a doctor assume he was my second child because his latching was so great. I think that’s why he’s so chubby! You can’t see his neck and he definitely has a double chin. I feel so grateful and blessed he’s such a great eater.
Braden really enjoys to sleep ( diagonally of all things) but when he’s awake he loves to be entertained! His favorite bouncer has these little animals on them.. I call them his friends! It’s so great to watch him kick his legs in excitement. His kicking allows for the animals to bounce around. I can’t wait for the day when he realizes that he’s causing them to move around.
He also LOVES to talk!! His coos and aahs melt my heart! His grunting makes me laugh. And sometimes he’ll even throw in a smile! Some mornings he’ll look at me and smile. I’m not sure if he knows he’s doing it but I’ll take what I can get!
He lost his cord!! Awhile back his dad asked me if I was going to keep it. I scoffed and said no! But when it fell off I just couldn’t part with it! I still have it until I’m ready to move on. Don’t worry… I’m not keeping it forever!
Once he lost his cord, I was able to give him a bath. I was extremely nervous that he was going to hate it and cry through the whole thing! But he loved it! He’s had a couple since then, and he really does like it. He’s the happiest emerged in the water. I hope that means he’s going to be a water baby!
While these milestones may seem small they mean the world to me! I can’t wait to see what he’s going to do next. I can tell he’s ready to learn and take on the world!
Oh and he makes the best facials!!! I love how animated he is, cracks me up!!
Over 10 lbs and 21.5 inches long.
I love you Braden Christopher!
Your mama xoxo

I’m generally your run of the mill germ freak. I don’t like to share food or drinks… Just in case I may catch your goobers. I was a little concerned about how I’d react to my sons goobers. Babies have a lot of them. I’ve seen mothers and fathers touch such goobers on their child and I would cringe in disgust. EW! I will never be like that…
I am like that. But somehow his goobers don’t bother me. In the few short weeks he’s been here I’ve done things I never thought I’d do. Ive picked his nose, caught his geyser of pee with my hand as to not land on his face, and wiped numerous goobers off of his eyes. But what I think officially makes me a mom is that while changing him, I caught his poop in my hands. Hey don’t judge. Washing my hands is a lot easier than doing a load of laundry.
Those moments of nap time are such a gamble. What should I do!? Eat, clean, sleep, or shower!? The shower is the hardest one to decipher. Do I have time? Will he wake up? How long should I let him cry for? Do I really need to wash my hair today?
I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that my leisurely shower days are long gone. Sometimes I forget and take my time, enjoying the nice hot water. Which is quickly ended by a loud cry of, “mama where are you I’m hungry NOW!!?”. So I jump out of the shower, quickly put on the first shirt and pants I can find, and grab my son. As I sit down to feed him I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Last nights makeup streaming down my face (since we all know there was no time to wash my face), my hair in a mess of curls on top of my head, and wait is my shirt wet? I lift it up to smell it. Is it water or pee? It’s most likely pee because Braden can’t control his penis and pees everywhere and on everything. But their is no time to change because he wants to eat. So I sit down with my mascara-ed cheeks and my pee shirt… I think to myself. This is motherhood. It’s not so glamorous. But hey at least my son is cute…

For as long as I can remember I have always been a snob about my sleeping arrangements. Going on family vacations was always a nightmare because I had to share a bed with my sister. She breathed too loudly and I guess I kicked her in my sleep. As I got older, nobody would share a bed with me and I have never been fan of staying the night at a friends house. I am partial to my clean and perfect bed. Today, most people know that my bed is called a “hotel bed” and I don’t like to share it with anyone. I am obsessed.

I haven’t slept in my “hotel bed” in three weeks. And I don’t miss it one bit.

I sleep on the couch with my son, in his room. I also sleep on my back. I hate sleeping on my back. But I love my son, so I sleep on my back. He sleeps on my chest or as of more recently, he likes to sleep on his back on my lap. I love sleeping with him. On the nights that he sleeps on his own I don’t sleep as good. I am sure he sleeps just as good both ways.

I know my  bed is open, and I could easily take him in my bed with me. But it’s so much easier to just be in his room with everything that he needs. He’s a really good sleeper, and I am afraid that in my comfy “hotel bed” I won’t wake up to him when he needs me. So the couch it is.

I have heard both pros and cons about co-sleeping, and to tell you the truth I am taking a little bit of advice from both sides. I guess for me personally, once he’s a little bit more older I will feel more comfortable letting him sleep on his own every night. Plus I know one day he will not want to cuddle with me, so I am taking full advantage.

I love that every morning I wake up to him staring at me to wake up. He never cries…just seems as though he’s waiting for me to open my eyes. I change him. We snuggle back on the couch, and we sing songs. Well, mostly I do the singing while he stares at me like I’m crazy. I give him lots of kisses and tell him how much I love him. I feed him and sometimes he lets me take a shower. He talks to me when I’m in the shower, and I try to answer all of his questions. Some days we take a nap right away, other days he’s ready for the day, and occasionally he’s a little cranky. These are my favorite times of the day (that and bedtime). We’re still learning how our days are going to go, but I know I can always rely on our special mornings together. And that is why I sleep on the couch, because I’m not just any mom. I’m his mom.

I love you Braden Christopher,

your mama xo

He’s here! AH! Let me start at the beginning…

My little man was due to be born on June 6th, 2013. But he had other plans. He must have enjoyed his little nest a bit too much, seeing as he was a week late! Leading up to his arrival, I tried everything under the sun to make me go into labor. I didn’t really believe that any of it would work. I mostly just tried it all to prove a point that it’s a bunch of hodge podge. (IT IS). I knew in my heart that he would come when he was ready.

My doctor suggested that I be induced on the 13th, if he hadn’t arrived before then. I said sure -trying to go with the flow, and I figured she knew what she was doing. But the process did not seem fun, so I was really hoping I would go into labor on my own. Unfortunately, time was coming closer and closer to the 13th. That’s when we realized, wait…the 13th!? Do we really want our sons birthday to be on the 13th?! We were hoping it wouldn’t happen. And even thought that if it did, maybe we could just tell him his birthday was on the 14th?? Don’t worry, his dad talked some sense into me, and I won’t be lying to my son about his birthday…

I went in on the 12th to start the inducing process, but I actually found out that I was 3cm and I didn’t need to be induced! I was so thankful. Apparently, I was having contractions and I didn’t even know it! At around 6pm that night, I started to kinda-maybe feel contractions about 5-6 minutes apart. I refused to keep track because it just didn’t seem like they were painful enough. At around 10pm I decided to get some sleep because I still had my appointment at 7am at the hospital. In my mind, I thought it would be fine to wait until then.

At around 2:30am, I woke up to contractions that were 5 minutes apart and a little more painful. I tried to go back to sleep, but after about an hour I decided to take a shower. The hot water definitely felt so good on my stomach. But I couldn’t stay in there forever. I decided to watch some television downstairs so I wouldn’t disturb my son’s dad. I knew it would be a long day, and one of us should sleep. At about 4:30am, my mother came in to check on me. I told her about my contractions, she couldn’t believe how calm I was acting. I look back now and realize most people would already have been at the hospital already – or at least called the doctor. But I kept thinking about my 7am appointment – and I could make it til then. At about 5:30am I decided to finish packing up and getting ready for the hospital. An hour later we were out the door and on our way to the hospital!

We checked into the hospital – and into this gorgeous huge room! I remember saying I didn’t want to get into the hospital bed yet. I really don’t think I was accepting that I was in labor. I, of course, had to get into the bed – as I was 4cm! WHO KNEW!? Luckily, that meant I could have my epidural. AWESOME. After the epidural and having the doctor to come in to break my water, I was well on my way! It was about 9am and I was informed my son would be here around 3pm. Great I thought!

My mother, sister and aunt came soon after…and it kind of became a party. Every so often I would get checked – 6cm…7cm. Wow. This is going by fast – I thought. Close to 3pm, I started to be able to feel my contractions. I mentioned it to the nurse – but she told me I was getting closer to push time, and I needed to be able feel my legs so the epidural wasn’t as strong. That made sense, so I went with it. I have a high tolerance for pain, so I could deal with a little contraction.

Unfortunately, the pain went from a 2 to a 10 in less than an hour. I didn’t understand what happened. I could barely breath. This was insanity. Eventually the anesthesiologist came in to check on things. He thought there was a possibility my epidural fell out. Instead of taking it out and putting it back in, he gave me a shot for pain meds. It did nothing. The pain escalated.

I am not too clear on what happened next. I do remember being told I was 9.5cm and I could try to push, in hopes of reaching 10cm. But, my legs were still numb so I couldn’t really push. It became such a stressful situation – the baby reverted back up and I was in such pain I couldn’t even open my eyes. I remember yelling at my mother to shut up, telling Chris I wanted a C-section, and repeatedly yelling how I couldn’t do this anymore.

My epidural had completely fallen out. My contractions were constant, never stopping for even a second – I threw up twice because of the pain. Not only that, I had to wait for the anesthesiologist to come back because he was helping deliver twins. After about 2 hours of feeling actual active labor, the epidural was put back in. Basically, I had to start my labor all over.

Although I had reached 10cm and should have delivered, the baby was so stressed he wasn’t in the birth canal anymore. I was also so exhausted to even attempt to push. ALSO, we had to wait for the epidural to kick in and then fade down some. It was a nightmare. After about 3 hours – and an hour and a half of pushing, he finally made his appearance! What a long journey it had been!

9:43pm

Braden Christopher Escareno

8lb 6oz

20 inches long

He is perfect.

And I love him.

I’m told about two more weeks until the arrival of my son. It’s pretty incredible that I’ve been carrying him around for the last 9 months. It seems like forever ago since this amazing journey began. And it has truly been amazing, until last week.
Let me be honest, I feel like I’m walking around with a permanent stick up my ass. When people ask me how I’m doing, I smile and say I’m great! I mean, I’m not horrible, and I’m sure it could be worse. But for the first time in 9 months, I actually FEEL pregnant. The feeling of, “is this going to go on forever”, has started to sink in.
I know that once labor hits and he’s here, these last few weeks will be a blur. So I’m taking it in stride. Trying to anyway : )
As of Sunday, I will finally have graduated college. I look forward to spending the last few days as one person, and daydreaming about my life together with my little man.
I’m ready (Almost) to meet you. I hope you like it here!

2 more weeks to go!
OMG!
I love you,
Your mama xoxo

36 weeks today. Time has gone by so fast.

4 more weeks to go!

I love you,
Your mama xo