I had every intention as a new mom for Braden to sleep in his own bed. We bought the crib (off Craiglist) and had everything set up, ready to go. Even after attending one of those baby classes, his dad and I rushed home to remove the bumper… Because those were not allowed. We were ready. I was ready.
But, Braden had other plans. Braden did not want to sleep in his crib. He did not even want to sleep in his cradle. He didn’t want to sleep anywhere other than being cradled in the arms of anybody.
I can remember the first night home from the hospital so vividly. His dad and I unable to sleep… And of course Braden crying. We had heard about the amazingness of a sound machine. I invested in one, and at about 10pm, the first night home we plugged it in. I remember Bradens dad holding Braden up to the machine, as if that in of itself would make him go to sleep. I am able to laugh at this image now, but at the time my hormones and emotions were all over the place, and i snuggled Braden back into my arms on the couch in the den. And there I slept for 2 whole months – with Braden safe and sound on my chest. I became the granola mom I never thought I would be.
Let’s flash forward to 20 months later. Currently, Braden is safe and sound asleep next to me in bed. If he had his way, he’d still be nestled ontop of my chest, in the crook of my arm, or a hand tangled into my hair. He loves to snuggle. “Gungle” as he calls it. I do not. I’ve learned to love it, because that’s what my son loves. Remember, I’m a granola mom now 🙂 But, if I had my way, Braden would be safe and sound asleep in his own bed or crib in his room…
Well, that may not be all true. You see, as a mom to a very loving, sweet, sensitive and snuggly child, I’ve learned to be all of those things. Not necessarily to everyone in my life, but most certainly to him. It became this natural instinct of mine that I have embraced fully. But, that’s not to say I’m not looking forward to him sleeping on his own – because I am. But, I will be patient. I truly believe there will be a time where he lets me know, that he’s ready. So, until that moment happens we will sleep side by side. A snuggle here and there. A held hand here and there. How could I deny him such sweet and innocent gestures of love?
Sometimes he’ll wake before I’m ready to jump into bed. I hear him rustling through the monitor, and then I see him sit up in bed. A slightly distressed, “mommy”, is called out. Eyes squinting… Barely open. I quietly enter the room and remind him I’m still here. That everything is okay. And whisper to him to lay back down on his pillow. I slowly crawl into bed with him and rub his little head. He nestles in warmly Inbetween our 2 pillows, holding out his hand for me to hold. And when I do, I see the tiniest form of a smile and a little sigh of relief – eyes still shut. I watch this feeling of comfort take over him. His little piece of a midnight snack. He feels safe. And that, makes it all worth it.
I love you my little man,
Your mommy xoxo