I love my son. I do. I love playing with him. I love singing songs to him. I love (sometimes) rocking him to sleep. I love tummy time, bouncing him on my leg and tickling him into a giggle fest.
But sometimes the sleepless nights get to you. Exhaustion takes over, and I find myself begging for him to sleep in a little bit longer. Of course, it doesn’t happen. He’s ready for the day to start. And so we get up. I muster up the energy I didn’t know I had.
The day always starts with breakfast for me and tummy time for him. In between bites I switch him to the bouncer. By the time he’s ready for breakfast, I’m done with mine. If I’m lucky, I’ll feed him into a food coma and we’ll both get to take a nap. These days it doesn’t get to happen that way, so I persevere. He naps for 30 minutes, while I quickly shower and get dressed.
Onwards we go and somehow it’s 3 o’clock and I’ve done nothing. Well, nothing to the casual onlooker. But to Braden we’ve had a day full of learning, discovering, eating, sleeping, giggling and cuddling.
I try to squeeze in one more nap but of course he wants to giggle or read books or play with my face. He’s newly discovered he can touch my face. It’s the cutest.
At about 5:30 I can’t wait for 6:30 to come so we can start our bedtime routine. This means that he’ll be asleep around 7/7:30 and maybe I can be too. But once he’s asleep, I realize it’s quiet. Should I go to sleep or stay up? When else in my day do I get be alone with just me?
And more times often than not, I choose to not sleep. I choose to put on my headphones and listen to the music I’ve missed so greatly. My eyes never moving from his face on the monitor. I choose to escape for 30 minutes. I choose to not sleep, because sometimes you just don’t need to.
Until 6am rolls around…

I love you,
Your mama xo
19 weeks old!