My sister gave me the cutest shirt for my birthday – for my son. It was in that moment that I actually realized I’m having a boy. But I’m a girl… I don’t know anything about boys. I’ve never been one. I panicked. The little skater boy on the box of little boy socks – anxiety. What am I going to do with a boy!? I’m not very girlie; I don’t like to shop or decorate. I don’t wear jewelry, and I have a love/hate relationship with makeup. But I’m also not a tomboy. I still LIKE to feel pretty, wear cute clothes (I’d just prefer if someone else shopped for me), and I don’t like to be dirty. And of course, I’ve never been a boy.
I immediately began reading every article I could find about being a mom and raising a boy. I don’t want to mess up. I want to be perfect. I want to make sure he knows that I love him – every day. I want to do everything right. But I started to realize, I will mess up, I will never be perfect, and there is no rule-book to being a parent so I am most definitely sure not everything will be right. And to be honest, I think that’s okay? Some of my favorite memories with my dad is when he “messed up”.
I’m sure my dad was overwhelmed with the thought of raising two girls – since he is not one, and never has been one. But I wouldn’t trade his “dad moments” for anything. Dressing my sister and I in the “wrong” clothes, and eating the”wrong” foods when mom was out of town. Taking us to Disneyland on Valentines Day – which was the most crowded and pretty horrible at the time. Taking me to the doctors in high school, and not listening to the instructions of the medications I was supposed to take – therefore almost getting me expelled. I love laughing at these memories (and there are many more) – what a goof! But he’s my dad. While traditionally you don’t take a little girl to the hardware store every weekend. I love that time he took me to Home Base (now Home Depot), and it was like Costco – where you had to be a member. He let me be in the picture with him, that had to go on his special ID. I remember that day so clearly. And only a dad (maybe just mine!) would let me throw up in his hands while I was sick with the flu – when of course mom was out of town.
Somehow inadvertently, memories of my dad and I have made me less nervous. I know it will all end up all okay. I’ll learn as I go. And hopefully my son will one day look back at all the mistakes I made and just laugh.
14 weeks to go!!!!
I love you,
your mama xo